Continued from part three.
Since writing these three articles on how to reject or get away from someone who's being too clingy, one question I've been asked is essentially, "How should I reject an obsessive person who keeps saying they want to be more than just friends, but I want to remain friends with them, rather than cut all ties with them?" If you're in this position, don't worry; you have many options available. Whether you know this person in real life or over the internet, the steps you can take all boil down to the same things: being honest, being clear, and being stern. Let's go over some examples of this.
Say a girl has repeatedly asked you out online and you've turned her down every time, yet she hasn't stopped trying to be more than a friend of yours. First things first, you need to figure out why she isn't taking "No" for an answer. Is it because she's uncomfortably persistent, or is it because you've consistently replied with answers like "Maybe," "I don't know," or "I need to think about it?" If it's the latter: I applaud you for being honest and patient, but you need to work on being clear and stern. If it's the former: all that's needed is to be more stern.
One of the most common reasons why people in this situation don't give a clear "No, I will not go out with you" response is because they fear some kind of retaliation. This is usually caused by a combination of catastrophizing and a lack of people explaining to the person in this situation that they have nothing to worry about, often because they don't tell anyone that this is happening, contrary to the advice given in this article about letting as many people (that they trust) know as possible. If they did, they would almost certainly find a great deal of support, which would give them the confidence they need to give their admirer a very clear "No" for an answer.
In ninety nine cases out of a hundred, nothing bad ever happens as a result. So a letter might show up in your inbox, calling you a big, mean stupidhead. Is this the end of the world? Is this worth dwelling on? Is this worth living in fear of? Of course not. There's not an adult alive who's never been criticized; you can handle it, just like you've handled countless other things in your life. Remember that this, too, will pass, assuming you even receive any rude letters at all after turning someone down. Don't forget that you have friends who care about you and your well-being, you're strong enough to turn someone down, and you're a good enough person for others to want to ask you out in the first place.
Next, bear in mind that they're pursuing you romantically for a reason: they're attracted to you. They like you enough to try asking you out again and again. Chances are, they want to make you happy; they're practically guaranteed to want to see you smile, not cry. This can easily work in your favor. Remember the rejection statements you looked over in part one of this rejection series? Those all went over ways to tell someone "No" when they keep asking to have sex or similar physical experiences, and how to tell them "No" if you never want to see them again. But the differences in how you can tell them "No" under those circumstances compared to telling them "No" under your current circumstances (asking you to go out, not asking for sex, and they're a friend of yours, not a stranger) aren't that different. Consider saying one of the following things the next time this clingy person asks you out, for those of you who still want to remain friends with them afterward:
"I enjoy being your friend, but I don't want to be your [boy/girl]friend. I'm not going to go out with
you, so please stop asking, okay? (It's getting annoying.)" [This lets them know that you value your friendship with them, while also making it clear that you will not go out with them. The last sentence in this statement is optional; you don't have to include it if you don't want to. You'll come across as much more stern, which significantly reduces the chance that they'll ask you out again. However, this can also hurt their feelings even more than they already will be, due to being rejected.]
"I don't know you very well, and I don't feel comfortable going out with someone if I don't know them well enough." [This one was copied and pasted from part one - then significantly edited - as an example of what not to say to a clingy person who's a friend of yours. If it was said to a stranger on a bus that you'd never see again, this would a fine excuse; you would disembark and ditch them as quickly as you could, never giving them a chance to get to know you.]
[However, this would be catastrophic to say to a clingy friend. If they're already a friend of yours and you want to remain friends, then the two of you spend time together. That being the case, they would think, "Oh, okay. All I have to do is spend more time getting to know you, then I'll ask you out again!" Whoops. Talk about prolonging the problem. This is an example of not being clear enough; it gives them hope that all they have to do is wait awhile longer until they can ask you out again.]
"Look, I've already given you my answer on this several times. The phrase 'no means no' exists for a reason. Please respect that and stop asking me out." [Simple and effective; a nice mix of being honest, clear, stern, and even polite.]
"You've made your point clear: you want to go out with me. I've said 'no' many times now. Continuing to ask me out is just going to keep making me uncomfortable. You don't want me to be uncomfortable, do you?" [This is an example of working the fact that they probably want you to be happy in your favor.]
"I've said 'no' several times now. How can you expect me to go out with you when you clearly have no respect for me, my boundaries, or my
wishes?" [Look familiar? This is another example of something you should not say to a clingy friend that you only wish to remain friends with, for the exact same reasons as the other example. In this case, your clingy friend would think, "Oh, okay. All I have to do is show her that I can be more respectful. After that, the problem will be solved; she'll see I have respect for her, so she'll have no problem with me asking her out again afterward!"]
[If you were to use this rejection statement, it would be defining criteria under which they could (and in their mind, should) ask you out again. By doing that, you're not being clear that you're rejecting them; the message that sends is, "Here's what you need to do before you can ask me out again," rather than "Stop asking me out; let's remain friends." This statement also does nothing to address the fact that you want to remain friends with them.]
"I understand how you feel and I respect your feelings, but I don't want to go out with you. Please understand and respect my feelings, too; I just don't want to go out with you. I hope we can remain friends. Do you need some alone time?" [This statement gets a little presumptuous about their response(s) at the end, but I felt the need to illustrate the use of that final phrase. It drives the point - that you're rejecting them as a lover - further home, and reminds them that they can take some alone time to express their grief over this.]
[This is an excellent alternative to them staying with you, expressing their grief on the spot for anywhere from minutes to hours, and being even clingier. If they respond with something like, "I don't need alone time; I need to be with you," you could politely remind them, "You don't need to be with me; you want to be with me - so much that you're disrespecting me by repeatedly asking me out when I keep saying 'no.' Every time you ask me out, what you're telling me is, 'Your feelings don't matter; only mine do. That's why I'll keep asking you out until you do what I want.' If you really care about me: please just listen to me and stop asking me out. I only want to be your friend, not your [boy/girl]friend. Do you understand?"]
If you're in this situation, don't feel guilty about quoting any of the above statements word for word, if you want to, as long as you think they'll work for you. Feel free to come up with your own rejection statement too, if you'd like! Putting it in your own words is often best; since they're your words, not someone else's, they should be easier to remember. If you do this, make sure to cover the bases of being honest, clear, and stern, and that you don't accidentally mention something that your clingy friend could misunderstand as a criteria to fulfill before asking you out again.
One last, important aspect of this is addressing the second half of your intent behind rejecting them: remaining friends with them after they've accepted that you won't go out with them. Needless to say, they're going to feel hurt, and if you do nothing, their pain could cause them to emotionally lash out at you. Since your intent is to remain friends with them: do exactly that. When it's clear that they're in pain, try to ease it.
Anything from mentioning that there are plenty of other fish in the sea - in your own words, and giving practical examples of other people they might like, if applicable - to joining in on one of their hobbies or interests to cheer them up could go a long way toward comforting them. There are a million things you could do, but you're their friend; you know them better than I ever will. What do you think you should do to remain friends with them, once you've rejected them for the last time? Whatever choice you make, I'm sure things will work out for you, and if you ever need more help or advice, remember that it's okay to seek it.
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