Another yandere misconception.

Two of the most common questions I see about yanderes are "Why would anyone like them?" and "Won't you just wind up being murdered or something?" I can understand where this mentality comes from. In the minds of most people who are vaguely familiar with the term "yandere," the only trait of a yandere is that they're apparently bloodthirsty. This is no surprise, since one character murdering another has more shock value and, as a result, a longer lasting impression on anyone who views that scene. Another reason that people only think of violence and bloodshed when they read "yandere" is that it's easier to define someone based on their actions, which you can see with your own eyes, rather than their inner emotions and thought processes, which sometimes aren't explored at all.

It seems to be easy for most people to forget all about the "dere" part of the term, and in order to clear up the confusion surrounding the two questions above, I'm here to remind you of it. In real life, obsessive lovers can be reasoned with - this is reason number one why you shouldn't expect a yandere to murder their significant other, herein referred to as SO for convenience's sake. The yandere can almost certainly be talked out of it by their SO; if the yandere in question is willing to listen to anyone, it's the target of their affection.

In addition, there are only two situations (that aren't so rare that they're outliers) in which someone could have a yandere SO who wanted to kill them badly enough to act on those thoughts in the first place. The first is that the person in the relationship (for convenience's sake, let's call them P1) messed up on an astronomical scale. P1 went out with someone, knowing full well that they're a yandere, and yet P1 decided to do something unforgivable, such as cheat on their yandere partner (herein referred to as P2 for convenience's sake).

The second situation is that P2 simply wants to kill P1 by default, regardless of whether or not P1 does anything wrong. Despite what non-yanderes (or "nonderes") may think, this is actually very uncommon among yanderes, as explained in detail in this blog's first yandere misconception post. All of the reasons explained in that post do a satisfactory job of explaining why P2 - an average person who considers themself a yandere in real life - won't want to kill P1 - their SO - but there's even more to it than all the reasons explored in that post. Yet another reason is that we don't live in a fantasy world in which our actions have no consequences.

This is something that nearly everyone on Earth understands. Even the vast majority of people who are mentally ill are able to recognize that if you place your hand in a fire, you'll be burned. Murdering isn't all that different, in that regard. People recognize that they would most likely be imprisoned for life or be executed if they were to commit murder, so they don't murder anyone. And although some people who think of themself as a yandere like to boast about how they'd kill people under certain circumstances, at the end of the day, these are virtually always the words of teenagers on the internet who are acting out for attention - not something to be taken seriously. This is yet another reason to add to the pile which explains why it's unreasonable to expect P2 to murder P1.

If you need to see even more reasons why that "don't yanderes kill their SO?" line of thinking is incorrect, I encourage you to look back on the first yandere misconception post, linked here. Finally, to address the "Why would anyone like a yandere?" question, here's a list of reasons which don't even account for nondere reasons, such as "I think this specific person (who happens to be a yandere) is physically attractive."

1: To be with someone who's all but guaranteed not to cheat on you.
2: For some people, being on the receiving end of obsessive love feels wonderful. Knowing that someone loves you that intensely can feel fulfilling.
3: For other yanderes, one reason is to be with someone who can love them back just as much as they love their SO.
4: Some people just want someone to take care of or support, and who better than someone who needs to be loved as desperately as a yandere does?
5: Some people would like to have an SO who loves them unconditionally, or nearly unconditionally. A yandere is one of the only types of people who's capable of meeting that need.

Is there something I haven't considered about this topic? Would you like to offer a correction? Got an idea for another yandere subject you'd like to read about? Whatever the reason, feel free to leave a comment below!

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A yandere misconception.

A month ago today, I saw a particular yandere image for at least the tenth time. Normally I don't mind seeing the same picture so many times, shared by so many different people - the problem was that the message in it was completely wrong, and I'm not a big fan of incorrect information being upheld and repeated as fact. I'd never seen anyone challenge it, and thanks to having an abundance of free time on that occasion and realizing that nobody else was going to point out all the problems with it, that was the time I finally decided to do so myself. What follows is that image, my explanation which debunks it, and a more reasonable, alternate image that could be used instead.

Whoops! This image mistakenly implies that it’s unreasonable to not want a yandere like Yuno to kill someone after they become that yandere’s boyfriend or girlfriend. To better understand why this image is fundamentally flawed, you first need to know which type of yandere is being discussed, and how different types of yandere’s minds work.

Virtually every yandere character can be broken down into one of two groups (if there’s enough canon information available about them): obsessive or possessive. An obsessive yandere’s goal is typically to be in a relationship with or win the affection of a specific person. This is the most common type of yandere, and this category encompasses such yanderes as Gasai Yuno, Esdeath, and Sakuma Mayu.

A possessive yandere’s goal is simply to be with the object of their affection - whether their target lives or dies is irrelevant to them, as long as the two of them are together. A possessive yandere usually thinks of their target as something like an object to be owned, even if it means owning their corpse as a way to “be with them forever.” Depending on how circumstances change, an obsessive yandere can turn into a possessive yandere, and vice versa. An example of this is Sengoku Nadeko.

This is another problem that makes the above image wrong, in addition to obsessive yanderes being the standard form of yandere. If a person says that they want a yandere girlfriend, then they’re unlikely to put that yandere girlfriend through a traumatic experience, such as telling her that they’ll never love her. Thus, she'll never become a possessive yandere and they'll never give her a reason to kill them. That person would know the risks that come with having a yandere girlfriend and do their best to keep her happy, because they would love her and would want to avoid being killed or harmed.

Yet another reason why this image is incorrect is because of the character that was used for it. If the yandere girlfriend in question was the fictional character in this image, it makes no sense to imply that everyone should expect her to try to kill the person she loves at the drop of a hat. She risked death an incredible number of times to save the life of the person she loved. That alone is undeniable proof of her desire to keep him alive, not kill him, but there’s even more to it than that.

There are major mirai nikki spoilers in the following two paragraphs. Ignore these next two paragraphs if you don’t want to see any spoilers.

For those who say, “But she tried to kill him (for a very short time)!” you’re forgetting or ignoring the context of the image. In the image, all that’s presumed is that someone wants a yandere girlfriend, not to participate in the survival game with Yuno. Since that person would never have to go through the survival game with her, they would never have to go through that brief time where she tried attacking the person she loved in order to save the universe, so that’s out.

Next, for those who say, “But she tricked Yukki into killing himself in the first world!” again, you're either forgetting or choosing to ignore her intention. As is made clear in the story: it was for the purpose of saving the universe and bringing him back to life. She did it because she thought it was her only option to keep him alive. And ultimately, she intentionally killed herself so that he could live in the world he belonged in, knowing it meant that she’d die and, as such, never see him again.

This is obviously someone who is extremely, selflessly devoted to the survival of the person she loves, as the vast majority of yanderes are. It’s no wonder she’s indisputably the most well-known yandere character there is. So if you really want to spread the truth about how most yanderes act, this image should be changed to...

http://i.imgur.com/fWnOKRE.png (Leaving this as an imgur link. Every so often, blogger automatically removes this image. No idea why.)

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Yandere origins, part three.

Continued from part two.

When a teenager or younger person is introduced to a show that focuses on yanderes or yandere-like characters (such as yangires, or people who are obsessive in general), even if they don't emulate the characters they see, they're still likely to think about these characters, and simply thinking about them can be enough to have an impact on that child's behavior and development. All these age-based factors surrounding being a yandere and the fact that they usually only work for younger people is exactly why there's a much greater lack of yanderes in their thirties, forties, and so on.

As people age, they tend to become more moderate in most aspects of their life. Getting a bad grade is no longer the end of the world, a scraped knee no longer causes crying, and the hysterics of teenage drama are usually replaced with quieter, more measured responses. Being a more extreme approach to romance than nearly all others, yandere tendencies often die down as a person matures. Just as a person can become yandere through a long series of events or just one particularly intense one, a person can stop acting like a yandere, too.

Citing one of the previous reasons for them existing in the first place, as teens and young adults age, their hormones die down, giving them a greater clarity of thought that's less dependent on emotions. These people are still capable of love, obviously; nobody's questioning that. But after leaving puberty behind once and for all, they'll be less obsessive in matters of romance than they were prior to becoming an adult. This also ties in with experiencing more relationships and becoming more accustomed to them over time.

Another age-based reason why yanderes mellow out as they age is that they're less impressionable, less willing to be eccentric, and develop a stronger preference for fitting in with just about everyone their own age, not only those they like. These - and others - are the reasons why you so rarely, if ever, see adults in the real world dressed along the lines of the "gothic lolita" style, or other, similar styles worn almost exclusively by teens and very young adults. And while some businesses permit casual attire on a daily basis, it's well-known that only an exceedingly tiny minority would allow their employees to dress in that same style, or like an extreme punk rock enthusiast.

The near-total inability to get a job without adhering to the social norms of that area and the growing need to get a job as a person grows up are two more influential decisions in why people stop behaving like yanderes. People recognize that they need to keep at least some of their quirks to themself if they want to find and hold down a job, and working a part time job just twenty to thirty hours a week, every week, is easily enough to temper a person's peculiarities over time.

Also, as a person grows, other people tend to become less willing to put up with their stranger traits. They may forgive them or find them endearing in a child, but in an adult, odd mannerisms are often seen as undesirable - things that should have been eliminated in adolescence, giving purpose to the phrase, "They should know better[ than to behave like that]." Although that person's friends may support their quirks in private, while that person is serving fast food in the real world, it's vital that they recognize the need to keep such characteristics from having a negative impact on their work.

Yet another reason why yanderes frequently stabilize with age is due to finding the love they sought for such a long time. Recalling a story that an old acquaintance once told me, she was once in a relationship with someone who was clingy. Apparently their partner was so obsessive that they spoke to one another all day long for a few years straight. (However, I assume that by "all day," she really meant "about six or more hours a day," not a full, endless twenty four hour cycle, or whatever period of time the sun was up on a daily basis.)

One of the underlying factors why most yanderes are yanderes is that they have low self-esteem. Her partner was no different. As time went on and she gradually helped her partner feel more secure about themself, they felt less of a need for her or her affection. It turns out that, even for a clingy person, there can be such a thing as too much love - hence why we refer to it as "too much." Just as a yandere can be born from a normal person due to a severe drought of affection, so too can a yandere be transmuted back into a normal person, if given a sufficient abundance of love.

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Yandere origins, part two.

Continued from part one.

The most common cause of minors thinking they're unloved likely comes from a lack of apparent fondness in both their home and school lives. When a child spends eight hours a day asleep, eight hours a day in school and the remaining eight hours at home or elsewhere, such as a on a bus or in a car, it's understandable that how people view them at school and at home - the two places where they're liable to spend the vast majority of their time while awake - will have a significant impact on how they view themself.

If people do not openly care about them or their well-being at school or home, they're prone to believing they're unloved. If they believed they're unloved, you can expect their confidence and worldviews to be heavily affected. If I could only mention two "ingredients" in the metaphorical recipe that makes a person clingy, they would be an intense, persistent feeling of worthlessness, followed by the love or acceptance of another person. It's no wonder that so many real yanderes have low self-esteem, or used to have low self-esteem for many years.

Another major factor in the existence of yanderes is age. In teenagers in particular, hormones cause people to behave more emotionally or erratically than they otherwise would. It's also no secret that as we age and have more relationships, the initial importance of being in one wears off for most people; having a boyfriend for the seventh time is no longer as important or exciting to someone as it was to have a boyfriend for the very first time. It's no surprise, then, that younger people - who have only lived long enough to be in one or two relationships - tend to be more passionate about them. (And what is a yandere if not impassioned?)

Tying in with the above, it's a well-known fact that teens are often rebellious and try to shrug off social norms and expectations. Because of this - and an almost contradictory, innate desire to be accepted by those around them - it's not unheard of for them to grow into certain archetypes. Not "nerds" or "jocks" (though the following can certainly apply to the former group as well), but in this case, "goths," "emos," and similar ones - teenagers who frequently (or want to) wear black clothes and black makeup, dye their hair unnatural colors, and so on.

It's obvious that traditionally "darker" media usually appeals to these groups of people - things like horror movies and death metal. But what about a particular form of media that's consistently become more popular with American youth since the 90's: anime? Where Western cartoons, comics, and books fail to attract a young audience, anime - Japanese animation/cartoons - and its magazine-like counterpart, manga, often succeeds. It's common for anime to be targeted at teenagers, and it's also common for teens to watch it - especially ones with darker themes and characters.

Enter yanderes. Having already been impressionable enough to join a clique that takes part in gothic or similar cultures, it's easy to guess what might happen next: a person sees a fictional character they like, then tries to emulate them. In most cases, this doesn't go much further than simply buying and wearing an accessory worn by the same character, or doing something equally harmless. In more extreme cases, this can mean trying to mold their personality to be more similar to that of the character they idolize. This is sometimes rationalized by telling themself, "People clearly like this character; maybe if I was more like them, people would like me, too." Can you honestly say you've never witnessed someone who seems to think this to themself when they try to act like their favorite singer, celebrity, or anyone else they look up to?

Concluded in part three.

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Yandere origins, part one.

How are yanderes made? Are they born that way, do circumstances mold certain people into becoming yandere, or is it sometimes one and sometimes the other? All you have to do is ask yourself, "How many children do I know who have romantically pursued and obsessed over other children their age since early infancy?" And the answer is clear: it's not biologically ingrained from birth; yanderes gradually become so over time.

But what influences these people to become yanderes? The short answer is "a large number of possible things." To start off with, let's address the development of yanderes in fictional media. If you're familiar with them, you already know that origin stories only exist for a woefully small portion of them. Most of the time, a character is introduced, they're either immediately or eventually established to be a yandere, and that's that; the story doesn't satisfactorily explain why they're a yandere, which is disappointing.

In most cases, readers and viewers of these fictional stories are left to assume that a character is simply yandere because of their attraction to another character. However, this explains nothing. Imagine asking a social worker why they became one, and their response was, "Because I do social work." That only provides a comment on what they're doing in the present, not how they reached that point, just like this flimsy non-answer about how most fictional yandere come to be. "Because they're deeply in love" only comments on what they already are, not how they got there.

In some cases, their behavior is explained as having stemmed from abuse, severe misfortune, or life-impacting tragic occurrences. "So-and-so was traumatized by the mistreatment they received throughout their life. As the protagonist showed them kindness - which So-and-so wasn't used to - they felt the need to latch onto the protagonist and never let go, for the sake of their own well-being. This didn't take long to develop into obsessive love, turning them into a yandere." is arguably the most common explanation.

What about real yanderes, though? In nearly all cases, the word "yandere" is synonymous with "obsessive lover" when used to describe yanderes in the real world. Some people gradually become yandere for the above reason, but to be more specific: many people grow up with a persistent feeling that they aren't loved. This is especially true for teenagers when they see some of their peers forming romantic relationships and recognizing that they've never been in one themself. Eventually, many of them also find someone who seems to love them, while others don't until they're an adult.

Those who don't - and those who find what they believe to be love, but too little, too late - are most susceptible to becoming yanderes. If someone finally, after a great number of years, gives such a person the love and validation they so desperately needed, it's easy to imagine them clinging to the person who loves them. In a heart-wrenching twist, this often leads to their partner leaving them because they can't handle a relationship with someone so obsessive. This invariably devastates yanderes in this situation and may make them feel the need to be even clingier toward their next partner.

Continued in part two.

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Yandere: an overview of the word.

For those who are unfamiliar with the term "yandere," it refers to people - typically fictional characters - who are mentally ill, and whose illness is distinctly tied to romance. This manifests as obsessive love. While not formally recognized by the DSM-5, many therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, and so on are familiar with and use the terms "obsessive love" and "obsessive lover(s)." Obsessive love, as you may have already guessed, is love that's taken a little too far for most people's tastes. Walking a tightrope between romantic and creepy, obsessive lovers come in all shapes and sizes; there are those whose love is unrequited, there are those in relationships with a lover whose feelings are more socially acceptable, and there are those who are fortunate enough to enter into a relationship with one of their own kind.

To help put it in perspective: where a normal person might spend 5% of their time thinking about their lover while away from them, an obsessive lover may think of them 20% of the time or more while apart, assuming they don't intentionally try to distract themself with other things, for the sake of their mental well-being. And while a normal person might spend 5% of their paycheck on a gift for their partner, it's not uncommon for an obsessive lover to go overboard and spend 30% or more of their latest check on the person they love. If you only took into account facts like the previous two, you might begin to wonder why so few people actively seek out such a dedicated partner. The answer is that they - like all humans - have flaws, some of which are a direct result of their intense feelings of attraction toward others. It's my understanding that most people aren't fond of clinginess, and if you're one such person, then being with an obsessive lover isn't for you. Another trait of some obsessive lovers - one which is seldom seen outside of works of fiction - is violence.

It may surprise you that someone who feels affection to such an extreme extent could attack others, but when you think about it, can't you name a few historical figures off the top of your head that have waged wars over their desire for another person? How many times have you heard of acts of violence being committed when it was discovered that a person cheated on their lover? And surely you've heard of people attempting to kill their spouses - and sometimes succeeding - due to jealousy or only the suspicion that they may have cheated. Which abruptly brings us back to the term "yandere." It is a portmanteau of the Japanese words "yanderu," meaning "sick" or "ill," and "deredere," which means "sweet (in a romantic sense)" or "lovey dovey." Generally speaking, in Japanese media, yandere characters are portrayed as obsessive lovers - as expected - but another facet that a majority of noticeably yandere characters are given is a homicidal streak.

From general Esdeath to Gasai Yuno, from Aragaki Ayase to Sakuma Mayu, from Sengoku Nadeko to Senjougahara Hitagi, there's no shortage of mentally ill characters in Japanese media whose violent tendencies are a direct result of their love for another person. In most cases, their aggression is focused toward anyone they believe to be a threat to the person they love or their relationship (even though their target may not be a threat in any way at all). Rarely, they may be hostile toward their lover, nearly always justifying it as being "for their own good" or so their lover can't leave them. For example, they may be so far gone that they'll try to kill their lover, with the intent to keep their corpse to themself and speak to it on a daily basis as if their lover is still alive, but now unable to run away from them, disagree with them, cheat on them, and so forth. In other cases, they'll imprison them and keep them alive for the same purposes. And in a much smaller number of cases, they may try to kill their lover solely because they find the thought of it romantic.

Non-violent characters who are clearly, unquestionably yandere are so uncommon compared to the ones who are violent that many people believe that violence is a required trait for a character or person to be considered a yandere. But if we look at the above paragraph, it's easy to see that those violent tendencies are a direct result of obsessive love. First, a character is an obsessive lover. Next, because of that, they act violently toward anyone they believe could threaten their relationship with the object of their affection. Never is it the other way around, because it makes no sense for a yandere - or anyone for that matter - to become enraged and attempt to murder someone because they held hands with a person they do not care about, and then develop an intense romantic attraction toward that stranger afterward for no reason whatsoever. Now that we've established this sequential order in which yanderes fall head over heels in love, and optionally afterward, murder anyone who so much as smiles at the person they love, it's not difficult to understand the cause and effect at play.

Since one must always preclude the other - if the other even happens at all - for a yandere to exist by either definition ("a yandere only needs to be an obsessive lover" or "a yandere can only truly be called a yandere if they're both an obsessive lover and homicidal), it should be obvious that the first factor - whether or not they're an obsessive lover - is a yandere's defining trait. Without obsessive love and with homicidal urges that they manage to fulfill, they are only a murderer, plain and simple. With obsessive love and without homicidal urges, a stalker is still a stalker; a yandere is still a yandere. To those who might say, "But the word 'yandere' is based on the word 'yanderu'! Therefore, all yanderes should be defined by whether or not they're mentally ill; romance has nothing to do with it!" I say, "You're focusing on only one half of the word 'yandere.' You're completely forgetting the other half, 'deredere,' which encompasses the romantic aspects of yanderes." This paragraph and the above paragraph call to mind the term "yangire," which describes a type of character who - at a glance  - appears similar to many yandere characters. The "gire" portion of the term is derived from "gire," meaning "to cut" or "to snap."

While a yandere may act violently due to their extreme love for another person, a yangire simply snaps, as the term implies. Their actions and motivations have nothing to do with the romantic (deredere) feelings of a yandere. These characters are clearly mentally disturbed, but usually behave somewhat logically - often, yangire are violent because they're sadists, at least while actively behaving like a yangire. It would be a challenge to find one yangire who killed people without ever enjoying it for every three that evidently do enjoy it.

In short: all yanderes are obsessive lovers, but not all yanderes are homicidal, because their feelings of obsessive love must exist prior to the violent acts occurring in the first place, as motivation. Without obsessive love, a homicidal character is only a murderer or a yangire, not a yandere.


If you liked this article you'll also enjoy this one, which goes over why yanderes exist (and change over time.)

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